Marc and I paid our weekly visit to the Keystone Avenue Wal-Mart yesterday afternoon. Yes, we are evil…we patronize an establishment that offers remarkably low-priced soy products at the expense of its overworked, under-compensated employees. (Geez — it looks just a bad typed out as it sounds.) Anyhow, we took our usual route through the store, making our way through fruits and vegetables, onto soy products and breads, wandered through the teas, and then wrapped things up with milk and juice. A quick stop by contact solution and rawhide dog bones, and it was time to march it on over to the check-out lanes.
Marc and I generally use our time in line to catch up on the latest celebrity gossip and/or the latest flavors of beef jerky. By the time that we reach the spinning grocery bagging contraption, we’re ready to high-tail it out of there. Yesterday was no exception. As we made our way down the front aisle, past Customer Service…the Eye Care Center AND the Portrait Studio [is there anything this place doesn’t have?], I caught something magnificent out of the corner of my eye.
Strutting towards us was a complete Coolio. He sported his Colts Superbowl sweatshirt and hyper-bleached jeans with surprising flair. His feathered hairdo was outdone only by his penchant for wearing sunglasses indoors. In his hand, he clutched a 64-oz. big-gulp fountain soda that was, no doubt, Mountain Dew, and his swagger said, “My truck comes fully outfitted with Yosemite Sam mud flaps.” As we passed, I mumbled, “Wide open spaces” to Marc under my breath. He didn’t understand me. Again, “WIDE OPEN SPACES!” Still a no go. Finally, when we were out of earshot, I said, “That guy’s fly was totally open!!” We both started cracking up at the thought of someone who thought he was impossibly cool strutting down the Wal-Mart aisle with [as Marc put it] his junk out for everyone to see.
In honesty, the display wasn’t entirely crude, and by that I mean you couldn’t actually see anything. It’s just that the whole scene was just too much for me. So next time you’re out and about thinking that you’re too cool for school, take a moment to make sure that you’re not flying low. You’ll be happy that you did.